Anger and other ‘difficult’ emotions

” […]there is an incremental experience of greater freedom as we discover ever more self-control, sensitivity, and awareness that permit us to live the life we aspire to, one of decency; clean, honest human relations; goodwill and fellowship; trust; self-reliance; joy in the fortune of others; and equanimity in the face of our own misfortune.” Iyengar, B.K.S.. Light on Life: The Yoga Journey to Wholeness, Inner Peace, and Ultimate Freedom.

Emotions fascinate me. Where do they come from? Why do they have so much control over us?  Are they caused by external circumstances?

Or are they all part of our internal storytelling? I think I could write pages and pages about this topic, but I’ll try to stick to two things: how I understand emotions through the lens of my Yoga studies and practice, and techniques to put down the fire when it is at its worst.

Negative emotions. Most of us consider anger as a negative emotion because it feels unpleasant and it can lead to conflict. I personally don’t like to get angry and for many years I’ve tried very hard and with little success not to get angry. So how about going a bit deeper into this emotion? Maybe if we get a better personal understanding of why we experience anger, we can make some changes. I challenge you to be open-minded when you read this and play a little game with your mind.

What makes you angry? We can maybe say that most of the time, the degree of our anger is related to the situation. So let’s start at what for me is level 1.

Anger coming from everyday life’s small frustrations: missing the bus, my kids not being ready to leave the house in the morning, no more coffee in the thermos at the staff room when I really want a coffee… These are “easy” to deal with, right?

Where does the frustration/anger come from in these situations? The gap between my expectations and what life is offering me.

I want coffee -> there is no coffee = I get frustrated. And what would be the easiest way to vent that frustration? I get angry at my colleagues because they never make coffee but they always drink the coffee.  Added to the small frustrations from the morning, this might be the one that makes my mind go wild, and I might send an angry email to all my colleagues complaining about their behavior. Which will most probably end up with me regretting the tone in the email afterward.

How can Yoga teachings help me here? It is a fun mental game and the keyword is detachment. I have first to detach from the situation. The fact that there is no coffee. Take a step back. Is this something that my colleagues directly do towards me? Most probably not. So, it’s not personal, I can relax a bit. But it is unfair, right? I always make coffee and they don’t! Regardless of whether this is true or not (most probably not), we can apply detachment here too. Detachment from my expectations towards my colleagues. Of course, there is no harm at all on bringing this issue up at some point and ask everyone to remember to make coffee when they drink the last drop, but if the thermos keeps being empty when I want coffee, what do I win by still expecting people to make more?

Another level of detachment in this situation would be that since I am so fond of the coffee and I like being a positive member of my community, I decide to make coffee twice a day every day, and don’t expect any reward for this like the thermos having coffee when I want a coffee, or even a thank you from anyone. This is part of the essence of Karma Yoga actually: do your work with a clear intention and detach from the desire of the outcome being as you expect it to be. I can ‘sacrifice’ myself for the wellbeing of the whole and make coffee for everyone.

Or, I can start bringing my thermos from home if this is not an area in my life where I want to make sacrifices. Thus I am accepting that the thermos is often empty, adapting to the situation by bringing my thermos and letting go of the frustration that, let’s face it, is mainly affecting my inner peace.

Now let’s look at anger caused by something bigger than everyday frustrations. Here too, I invite you to be curious and to play a bit with your mind.

Remember that we don’t win much by labeling emotions as negative.  What we see as negative or difficult emotions can, in reality, be opportunities for us to learn something new about ourselves. Anger, for example, can be triggered to remind us of what our boundaries are. It can also be triggered by fear, or even by tiredness. An experiment I consider interesting when I get angry (and when I manage to not act on it) is to turn my attention inwards, because I have come to realize that most of the time, I cannot change situations or the way people act, so the only thing I can do is to be curious about the processes that happen in my mind. I try to be very honest with myself and often, the anger diminishes if I change my perspective on things.

Here, like on level 1 detachment is a good tool. Detach from the situation as it being directed towards you. Even if it is. We all live in our own minds and act accordingly. If you can acknowledge that those around you want the same as you, mainly happiness, love, and peace, and that they might at times be as confused as you often are, well, it is not that strange that they sometimes act in ways that you consider hurtful.

Detachment from expectations is a good tool here too. The idea you have in your head of how people should behave will most probably never resemble reality and then it gets distorted by your perception and interpretation of it. Adapt your expectations. Here again, you can communicate your needs, talk, but expecting others to change is a tiring experience.

And the last one that I personally struggle a lot with is: detach from the desire of the outcome of your actions being as you imagined it to be. Be kind to others, give love to others and every day erase the addition you make in your head. If you really want to achieve internal freedom, this one is crucial. Very difficult, but crucial.

Lastly, there are situations where an emotion is so strong that we cannot work with it right away. Here are some things you can do in the heat of the moment to calm the mind:

  • Don’t reject the emotion but don’t feed into it either. To do this, you focus on the sensations in your body when you experience this emotion, try to slow down by breathing deeper, especially when you exhale and whenever your mind starts making stories go back to focusing on your body and/or your breath.
  • Show compassion and understanding to the person that is experiencing the emotion, that means YOU, but again, without feeding into it. Without justifying and explaining why you “have the right to be angry”. Like you would talk to a good friend, talk nicely to yourself, say that you understand, that you are there for yourself.
  • Imagine that this emotion is something you can hold. Hold it carefully and gently. Give it attention like you would give to a little child when its hurt, and when you’re ready, gently let it go.

And when the fire is out, remember to take the time to learn something new about yourself, and hopefully, next time anger shows its face, it won’t take control over you.

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