Honestly confused

So, how honest can one be on a blog that potentially all the people that I interact with can read? One thing that I decided from the first minute when I started writing was that this was going to be about myself. Yoga, is the path of taking self-responsibility. It is practically a waste of energy and time when we’re struggling to point our fingers outside.

I have been two days home from work, sick. I have to be honest, I consider myself as a strong and tough person, so, if I had tried, I could have pushed myself to go to work. I wasn’t that sick. But I just didn’t have the energy to push myself.

Spending two days at home alone have made me realize how tired I am. I am tired of pushig myself through the day. I am confused because I honestly don’t know how much is enough. I don’t know where the self-care stops and the selfishness starts. I don’t know where the society is being unrealistic with its expectations towards a mother, a teacher, a friend, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, a woman, and where I am right to say “Stop! Stop! This is not what I want!”

My yoga practice tells me to be self-responsible. My yoga practice tells me to give without expecting anything in return. I want to believe in this, but what happens when I get so tired that I can’t go to work? I am very confused right now.

I think this starts when we are kids, we are told what we should do, what we should think how we should feel and we loose contact with ourselves. This makes me think about how I am raising my kids and pushing my students. I push my kids to do this and do that, to be “balanced”  by going to school and doing their best, by having after school activities, by this and that. But how much am I listening to them? I often ask myself this question. And it is difficult because as a child of the 70s and a teacher, I have been believing that children and adolescents don’t know what is best for them…is this ture?

I push my students to do their best in my subjects. I expect the best from them. But the rest of the world is also expecting things from them. And what about what they want to do?

I am calm in my confusion. I think this confusion is good. I think some confusion is good to sometimes check the compass and see if we need to adjust our course. But I need to get better contact with the inner compass because the outer compass is too confusing at times…

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