Over the years, I have come to realise that I dislike emotional pain so much that I try to avoid it as much as I can, often in very stupid ways.
I sometimes ‘predict’ how a situation is going to make me feel so I either go around dreading the moment it is going to happen (which like with most predictions, never happens), or I do something impulsive to avoid the pain making an unnecessary mess.
The source of my distress is in some cases insecurity and fear of being judged or rejected. It comes from my attachment to an image of myself I want so badly to keep and people to have of me. I know what I stand for, I believe it comes from a good space, but I’m afraid of the conflict different opinions can create.
In other cases, the source is the unwillingness to face things as they are because I wish they were different. So I avoid the situation or go ahead and blame. It is funny how we believe blaming helps, but it really doesn’t make us feel better.
Expectations are also a problem. The mind game of expectations is quite refined in my case. I don’t like the gap between what I expect and how things turn out, so I either avoid or expect the worse (haha). So I show up already with a bad attitude, when in reality I don’t know what is going on I happen.
Some weeks ago, I decided to be courageous and:
- Stop predicting (duh!)
- When in a situation that I perceive as emotionally painful, take a deep breath and just observe the pain. Not run away, not act impulsively.
- Understand that the so-called pain comes from the gap between what I expect and what is really happening.
So far, I can say that it is helping. I believe that, the less resistance I make to myself and what is happening around me, the less I struggle.
It sometimes feels liberating, it sometimes sucks big time because I have to face what I don’t want to face.
This said, I believe that I gain a bit more understanding of how my mind works, and it allows me to move a bit up and further…