It’s been a long time since I had taken the time to sit and write here. I do write in my journal a bit more often, and I realize that my reflections tend to go in circles. It is as if I had at least two inner voices. One is the limited one that keeps falling back into old patterns of behavior that only bring stress and distress, and the other one is the one that “knows better” but unfortunately isn’t always heard by the first one until it is too late.
All in all, however, I think I have managed to more or less keep my peace of mind for most of the Fall semester. There have been some small challenges and some bigger ones, and one thing that always helps is to tell myself that worrying on its own will never bring solutions. So, I do what I can, and let go of the worry. It requires work, but I am getting there.
I am grateful for the people that surround me. My husband, my kids, my colleagues, and my friends. I have allowed myself to experience new things this Fall, mingle with new people, and it has brought lightness and moments of fun to my everyday life. I have decided I need to dance more, but since I am not super keen to go to nightclubs at this stage in life, I have found alternative arenas to do so, and every time I spend some hours dancing, I feel lighter in my head, and my body feels relaxed. I join from time to time something called The 5rythms, such a cool way to let the body move! I believe dancing is a very nice way to express ourselves. I think I can compare dancing with the asana practice. When I do my asana practice, I go into a flow of movement and breath and that makes me feel safe and light. It is the same when I dance.
I still need to work on being assertive at the right time. I tend to put aside what I need or want because I am afraid to make the other person feel bad, or because I don’t want to be seen as ‘difficult’. The problem is that when I don’t clearly express my needs, small frustrations keep accumulating, and I end up coming to a point where I lose my patience and all the accumulated frustration comes out in a rather hurtful way.
In my defense, I have been trying to figure out what are “reasonable” expectations towards the few close people I have in my life. I have thus come to the conclusion that no expectation that causes distress can be a reasonable expectation. My internal needs are nobody’s responsibility but mine. I need to work on them. We all go around with our own luggage and the more I experience, the more I realize that I just have to let people be and do as they best can and rather focus on what I do and say. I think I will bring two keywords to 2023 with me: compassion and understanding. Both towards my own limitations and towards others.
There is another side to this reflection, and that is to stop seeking what is not to be found in certain people. Sometimes this means turning around and walking away from a relationship, other times it means releasing that relationship from wanting the person to do something he/she isn’t able to do.
Lastly, I really need to work on using the tools I have learned through my Yoga studies. Use my breath to be present, let go of my tangling thoughts, and keep redirecting my attention inwards.
I hope, that in 2023, I will finally come closer to setting my mind free from the limitations I have been struggling with all these years and start focusing on what is really important.