Month: August 2023

On time and mindful living

Published on by VanessaLeave a comment

I have been trying to simplify my approach to life with the intention to create slience and thus peace of mind. I realize I have been exposed to many different concepts within the Yoga and Buddhist traditions that resonate with me, but I haven’t been able to internalize them in such a way that they really make a difference in my state of mind. Even worse, I suspect I have been using them to put more pressure on myself as I wrote in my previous post resulting in more overthinking.

During the last three weeks, every time I start stressing about something, I have reminded myself of the power of silence, and since I am not able to create complete silence in my mind yet, I do my japa (repetition of a chosen/given mantra with focus on my breath). It has sometimes helped by slowing down the constant stream of thoughts that tend to just go in circles. Following this intention, I started reflecting on where my thoughts usually go, and not surprisingly, they are either in the past like regretting something I did or didn’t do, trying to understand why someone said or did something, longing for something I enjoyed that no longer is, and repeating a situation that brought stress or distress- what we call ruminating; or in the future like planning for whatever is coming, but not only that, also imagining the worst case scenarios and dreading them. My fear is mostly not being able to cope with them. But when am I in the present? And what would bring to be in the present? Well, if you’re reading this blog post, you are most probably familiar with the concepts of “mindfulness” and “mindful living”. It’s power lies in letting go of the past to be completely present in the moment with a fresh mind free from judgement and prejudice. It allows us to better notice our role in the now, and to save energy from dreading what might come. So, why do we keep traveling with the mind back and forward? I honestly don’t know. Personally, I think it is connected to fear and lack of trust in myself. How do I build that trust? I think it goes back to silencing my mind, and repeating my japa. I have tried to use “reason” against my anxious thoughts. To list the moments I have been challenged and managed to get through. It doesn’t help. The best I can do with my own mind is to not engage in the stream of overthinking.

I am also learning to better be with my emotions without trying to change them but without elaborating on them either. So, if I suddenly feel fear for the challenges I might meet tomorrow, I allow myself to feel the fear. I do not push it away, but I do not try to make explanations or even find solutions for it either. When I manage to do that, it seems to fade away faster. I go back to my japa, and remind myself that the only thing I can do now is to do what I need to do now.

If you are a seeker like me, you have most probably understood that we don’t reach conclusions. We just keep walking, keep trying, and we have to constantly remind ourselves of the tools we have in hand to go inwards.

Like the Gita tells us, the world “out there” is so vast and varied, it is constantly changing. It is good to engage in it, but we do better to fix our peace of mind inwards, in this silence that I still haven’t found, instead of in any given situation, person or object.My inner peace needs to be build inside out. Why do I keep forgetting this? Because I keep forgetting.

So, my advice here is, find what it is that you want to cultivate in you and stick to simple principles and techniques. You will have to keep reminding yourself to go back to them because the mind is like a restless bee, it will keep flying from one flower to another if you let it.

I leave you with a quote that kind of relates to this and it kind of doesn’t but I really liked it. It is from a book called The Forty Rules of Love by Elif Shafak:

” Rule 28
The past is an interpretation. The future is on illusion. The world does not more through time as if it were a straight line, proceeding from the past to the future. Instead time moves through and within us, in endless spirals. Eternity does not mean infinite time, but simply timelessness. If you want to experience eternal illumination, put the past and the future out of your mind and remain within the present moment.”

On Yoga or another way to put pressure on myself

Published on by VanessaLeave a comment

You might have noticed that I haven’t been writing much on my blog lately. This Spring, I noticed more than ever that my mind keeps going in circles, and it wasn’t a very nice feeling to begin with. I came to a point where I felt I was driving myself crazy with my thoughts. I felt that my way to approach challenges that kept coming back both at work and in my personal life was the same over and over again without helping me or the situation.

How can my “knowledge”in Yoga help me? I kept going back to the same principles, especially “non-attachment” (vairagya), but no matter how much I tried to let go of the feeling, I still felt frustrated, sad and even angry. What’s the use? I thought. Maybe Yoga is not for me. Maybe I’m not “spiritually mature enough” for this. What can “really” help? I asked myself. I felt so tired of my doubts, my struggles, and my seeming inability to help myself. I felt that I needed a more systematic approach to myself. Yoga has many good tools, but I felt I was unable to use them most of the time in a way that helped me “move forward”.

I wrote in a post earlier this Spring that I read Marshall Rosenberg’s book about non-violent communication. I did this prior to a meeting I was going to have with one of my leaders to try to formulate my thoughts in a constructive way because I have a tendency to get lost in my emotions with the unfortunate outcome of either saying things that I regret afterward or staying passive and accepting that my emotions are “wrong” to avoid making a big fuss. The principles in this book were a game-changer for me. It started the process of me accepting that my emotions are not “wrong”, and that I get so scared by them, that I put all my energy into trying to suppress them forgetting the most important thing to do which is to figure out why I am feeling like I do. Without judgment. What is the need behind the emotion, and how can I communicate it or what do I have to do in order to meet that need?

I had been using my understanding of the Yoga teachings to suppress myself, to judge my emotions, my needs, and my thoughts. In my quest to be a “good” person, I have been using Yoga to put more pressure on myself. We tend to think that people that have a big ego are selfish and self-absorbed and that people with a big ego do things that harm others, I believe that having a big ego can also harm yourself. My ego is built in the idea of being good to everyone, of making everyone feel well, of not creating problems for others, and of being perceived as helpful, compassionate, kind, and a problem solver. The problem is that I am human. I am limited. I have needs and wishes, and no matter how much I try to suppress them, they often resurface in shapes that I don’t like such as frustration, anger, and sadness. The more I try to push away these feelings, the less I see my needs and wishes, the more confused I become, and the more mixed messages I send. And this keeps repeating itself. So the idea I want to build of myself, even though it is in theory “better” than being what I see as a selfish person, is not helping me and is not helping anyone around me.

Knowing this, and observing other people I know that could be described as “spiritual,” I can’t help but ask myself if not this idea of spirituality attracts people that tend to put too much pressure on themselves. Are we misunderstanding spirituality? What is spirituality, really?

Yoga tells us that we are all at the core the same. We are love, freedom, and bliss. This is a beautiful idea, but I think that my limited understanding of love, freedom, and bliss represents another layer that stops me from seeing precisely this purity in me. The more I fight against myself, trying to be this ideal person, the less I can see who I really am.

I am no better or worse than anyone else. I don’t deserve more or less, but I do owe myself to listen with compassion. Why do I put my needs under others? Why do I keep believing that I am wrong?

I don’t think I am rejecting Yoga and its teachings, but I am doubting my understanding and the way I have been applying some of it in my life. I wonder what the purpose of it all is. I feel confused, and I think this is a good thing. I think I need to think less and live more. I think I need to take myself more seriously at the same time that I need to let go of the overwhelming spin of my thoughts. I think I need to listen more carefully to what my heart is trying to tell me.

One thing that I keep going back to is silence. I need more silence. Not more principles. No more techniques. Just the courage to be still and listen to me and take it from there.

No conclusions, and no resolutions, just keep walking but with less judgment towards myself, more self-compassion, and a willingness to meet my own needs.