Tag: self-responsibility

Own your choices

Published on by VanessaLeave a comment

I recently listened to an interview of a former Norwegian politician on the radio. I didn’t listen to the whole interview, but what caught my attention was that she was talking about how “everybody” wants to appear successful, especially on social media. She went on to say that she is probably ten kilos over her “normal” weight, but that is what she sees as a “bonus” for being the mother of four kids.

What does it mean to be successful anyway? The quest of it most probably ends up being an endless story cause the minute we have something, we want more, or the next thing, and most probably, when we seek success, we never totally find it. The same is true for happiness, isn’t it? If we make it our pursuit to reach a constant state of happiness, we will end up quite disappointed. How about seeking equanimity of mind? Or contentment? Something that comes from the inside that helps us better deal with whatever comes from the outside?

However, I don’t see anything wrong in striving towards making a better life for oneself and those we care for. What that means for me, most probably does not match what that means for you, or the next person. For me, it means constantly working towards living my life with awareness. If I live my life with intention, I am calmer, more present, and better suited to be around my loved ones and those who are part of my everyday life.

I lately think a lot about how we often make bad decisions seeking some sort of good feeling that doesn’t bring long-lasting wellness. It takes more effort to plan a balanced meal than buying fast food, it might be less appealing to eat oatmeal for breakfast than a pain au chocolat, and it might seem more relaxing to watch a reality TV show than go for a walk after a long day at work. Choosing what is right for our physical and mental health is not seeking success or perfection, it is an investment some of us choose to make because we understand that it will pay off in the long run. Through time, I have noticed how I feel after indulging in junk food compared to how I feel after having a healthy meal. It doesn’t mean that I never eat sweets or fatty food, but honestly, I try not to indulge because the price I pay when it comes to how I feel afterward is too high. I prefer to feel that I’m fit for life than go around feeling awful and thus being less balanced in my body and mind.

We often forget how everything we do or don’t do has a direct effect on our health. Therefore, this woman’s comment irritated me. I feel that ranting about “perfectionism”, often becomes a way to make excuses for not taking care of ourselves. Yes, gaining weight during pregnancy is normal, but it is also quite normal to lose it after some time if we eat what our body needs and not what our desires dictate, especially if we have a normal physically active life.

At the end of the day, it all boils down to the same, clarity of mind. Make your choices and live the life you feel like living, but stop making excuses for the poor choices you make that hurt your physical and mental health. Rather own them, and be brutally honest with yourself. Inquiry into why you don’t want to make good choices for yourself, and if you are okay with the consequences, then keep doing what you’re doing. If you care about your health and the well-being of those who love you, maybe it is about time you choose better.

Everything we consume has an effect on our body and mind, food, words, and images, not to mention alcohol, drugs, and so on. We know that, why do we ignore it?

Self-help = egocentrism?

Published on by VanessaLeave a comment

This weekend, I can’t remember in which context, my husband said something that I’ve been hearing quite often in the last few years, namely that all this “self-help B.S.” that has become so popular is turning us into individualists, egocentric and selfish. I must say I totally disagree. I think that one of the reasons why we see people behaving more selfishly is precisely because they have little contact with their inner selves.

I think self-help is often confused with indulging in sensory pleasures, and/or indulging in the spiral of our thoughts to escape the discomfort that arises from being part of this life. There is, however, a deeper, more challenging self-help which is to have the courage to look ourselves directly in the mirror. To recognize and accept our vulnerability, our weaknesses, and our patterns that do not help us and thus do not help others. Deeper self-help requires a lot of work and a lot of trial and error, it requires honesty and courage, and it requires compassion. Maybe more importantly, it requires good guidance rooted in a solid tradition or at least solid knowledge, maybe even research, and that we stick to it for a while.

I believe that if we all were able to see ourselves with this kind of honesty, and still give ourselves the love and compassion that we need, we would then be able to see the same in others and thus show the same love and compassion. It is when we go around in the world covering our [unconscious] discomfort with thoughts, ideas, material things, and uncontrolled sensory experiences that we forget our humanity and thus forget others’ humanity.

This said, when we do the work of getting to know ourselves better, we also learn to listen to ourselves better. We learn to recognize our boundaries, to recognize our needs, and thus might be perceived as more demanding and “difficult” than we were before. This is not being selfish or egocentric, this is being assertive, but it might be hard to digest for some of those around us who have gotten accustomed to the old patterns of our behavior.

I must confess at this point, that it is sometimes rather confusing to try to live up to the idea of non-attachment and a the same time be “kind” to myself by listening to my inner voice when it sometimes feels that it might upset others. But this is the world we live in, isn’t it? A world of opposites. A world of contradictions, and as long as we live with awareness and act with clear intentions rooted in the values we have chosen to be our guides in life, I think we are doing more good than not. Self-help for me is also that. Making clear choices of what is going to guide our lives.

So, don’t stop the self-help work you are doing, and if you have been wondering, don’t get discouraged by the selfishness narrative. Honest, consistent, disciplined, and well-guided self-help can only lead you to a better place, and that in turn will have a good influence on those around you in the long term. I sincerely believe in this.

Karma Yoga and the noise in my head

Published on by VanessaLeave a comment

I have written here before that the main reason why Yoga appealed to me was that instead of finding the answers to our mental struggles “out there” we are encouraged to look inside ourselves. This felt empowering and reassuring, however, little did I suspect that it would be a very hard journey. More often than not, just when I feel that I “get” something that I believe will help me modify those aspects of myself that limit me, I soon discover that my understanding is limited and needs refinement.

Since the Summer, with the changes I have been going through in my life, going back to studying the Gita and finding a great therapist, I have managed to come a little bit closer to some sort of clarity about my purpose for “working with myself” through the study and practice of Yoga. Why did I embark on this journey? What is my main priority? I have come to the conclusion that at this point in life, it is peace of mind. I am tired of the incessant “noise” my mind can make at most times.

This noise is mostly (if not always) linked to what I do and don’t do, and that is why, restudying some of the main aspects of Karma Yoga is helping me now better understand certain things that I want to share here.

Karma Yoga is the path of Yoga that is allegedly most suitable for most of us who live in the practical world because it is the path of action. Recently, during an online course I am taking about the Gita with my teacher, Prasad Ragnekar, he defined Karma Yoga like this:

“Karma Yoga [then] is a path of mental refinement for those like us who are deeply involved in
day to day, mundane living, who would like to sincerely lighten the load of our limitations”

According to the Gita, inaction is impossible for us regular human beings. Even when we are apparently inactive, our minds are all over the place. Either reviewing what we have done, regretting what we didn’t do, planning what we are going to do next, or even worse, worrying about the outcome of our next action. So, since we are bound to be active, why not be active with the “right attitude.”

I have written before about how, by putting all our attention on the intention behind our actions and letting go of the need to control the outcome, we can reduce the noise stress, and worry in our minds. It has been useful in my daily life, to a certain degree. If I say something with good intentions and it is perceived negatively, I can be at peace with myself. If I do something out of anger or frustration and the outcome is negative, I have to be honest with myself and take responsibility for it.

But there are two more concepts that suddenly made “click” in my mind a couple of weeks ago. The concepts of svabhava and svadharma.

Svadharma can be defined as one’s own unique duty/responsibility, while Svabhava is one’s own intrinsic nature, natural inclination, or aptitude based on psychological disposition (Prasad, 2023). Ideally, our svadharma should be aligned with our svabhava. This is relevant in everything we do, and it is natural to think of some of the aspects of everyday life that take a lot of our time, like for example, work. If I am a rather extrovert person who feels happier surrounded by people, I most probably wouldn’t thrive working in a place where I sit on my own most of the time isolated from others. Now, if the goal is to cultivate peace of mind, to reduce the “mental noise”, it is very important to always keep these two concepts in mind, especially when choosing a profession.

My therapist recently asked me when is it that my (over) thinking activity is reduced, and I could immediately answer when I teach Yoga asana. I always feel relaxed and centered after teaching a Yoga asana class. I think it is because I need to be fully present. I need to be aware of the energy in the room, the way my students are responding to the sequence I am offering, consider modifying some of it, and last but not least, how I lead the class, which includes which words I am using. I enjoy also the feeling of doing something that can benefit others. Not only by teaching a class, but also by maybe inspiring them to know their bodies better, respect their bodies, and take care of themselves. Interestingly enough, this doesn’t bring any anxiety.

Unfortunately, working in a school doesn’t bring this peace of mind… yet, but I am exploring ways to reach it. I am working on focusing more on what I do and how I do it than the system around me, having some values and principles that are nonnegotiable for me and sticking to them, and opening up for the possibility of being part of a discussion about them, of having to change the environment if necessary. I am also trying to make it a habit to use NVC (non-violent communication), especially in challenging situations so I can communicate my needs and understand the needs of others. In other words, to reduce self-doubt. I have been so afraid of being perceived as irrational or difficult, but I mean, there will always be someone who will disagree with me and who will think I’m “irrational”, so why do I invest so much energy in this idea? And what does it even mean?

At my new job, I teach different subjects than at my previous job. I have taught Spanish as a foreign language before, but that was a long time ago, and I have taught sewing as an elective, but never to more than ten students at a time. Now, suddenly, I’m an Arts and Crafts teacher, teaching up to 22 students at the same time. However, Spanish is my mother tongue, and although I am fluent in French, I am now noticing how “easy” it is to be spontaneous in Spanish and make the subject more “mine” since I am Mexican and can share my culture with my students. It is a bit of the svadharma and svabhava alignment.

But the “magic” happened today as I was teaching one of my classes in yr8 Arts and Crafts. We are upcycling an old men’s shirt into an apron, and we are sewing by hand. It is not a surprise that some students with poor executive skills have been struggling to get started, and it has been challenging to help them at the same time as I help those who are capable of getting started. Last week, I made myself a plan for this week’s lesson. I came into the classroom, and in small groups or in pairs, I got all the students who were falling behind started, at the same time as I helped the others when they needed further explanations. It really felt like I was in a flow. Things happened, as they always do, but I stayed calm and focused and communicated with all my students in a constructive way. An hour and a half passed, and almost everyone was now on track. I think I’ve found it! The svadharma and svabhava alignment as a school teacher. I like to “make” things, I enjoy being active, and I like also being in contact with my students in a relaxed setting. I use the challenges they meet while working on a project to help them reflect on what is important to develop in life: resilience, patience, discipline, problem problem-solving mindset, and maybe even more importantly, a growth mindset. Still, they are chatting, some of them are laughing, they can take breaks, and they go back to their work, and I don’t feel stressed.

I feel definitely less stressed now than when I was teaching more theoretical subjects, and when I was a contact teacher. I did enjoy both, but if my goal is to reduce the noise in my head, and I have the opportunity to choose, I think I know what I need to continue doing, at least for a while, and keep exploring these concepts. Also in the other areas of my life. I want to pay attention to what I do that doesn’t harmonize with my nature and see if I can stop doing it, or do it in another way, bring more of myself into it. Would that reduce even more noise in my head?

So, this post is an invitation to reflect on your own state of mind as you go about in your everyday life. What reduces the noise? Where do you feel that you flow? Can you combine your skills and your nature with what you do and how you do it? I really recommend you try!

Shades of green

Published on by Vanessa5 Comments

Three weeks in my new job, and I have already concluded that the grass is not greener on the other side, it is just of another shade. The most important is to reflect on what attitude I bring to that environment.

Any work environment is a system, and no human-created system is perfect. Some systems are directly rotten, and luckily for me, I did not end up in such an environment. Most systems are well-functioning in spite of their flaws and lacks. Over the years, I have identified myself as someone who always sees areas of improvement which is a rather positive way to say that I often see where problems are. I don’t do this on purpose, it is part of my mindset. Don’t ask me where it comes from. This can be an asset if I don’t get stuck in the frustration of what I see as a problem, and if I can actually do something to improve it but it can also be a curse if I get mentally fixated, but can’t do anything to change it. The same way, I have a tendency to pay more attention to my shortcomings than what I do well.

Awareness on these two thinking patterns, has led me to make an agreement with myself. On the professional plan, I made a choice of changing environment, and I am committed to do my best to thrive. Reflecting on what sometimes brought frustration and stress in my previous work, I think that a lot could have been avoided if I had chosen to put my energy elsewhere. Among other things, focus more on what I do and how I do it, be more assertive, and let go of what I have no control over.

I am trying also to change my mindset when it comes to myself. I honestly believe that one of the things that makes life worth living is to be a life long learner, to develop the skills we have and acquire new ones, but also develop spiritually. Fot this, I need to find a better balance between observing my limiting actions and attitudes with the purpose to let go of them, and observing my qualities and skills to build myself up from them. If I only focus my attention on what I see as flaws and shortcomings, I feel I just put more pressure on myself.

Furthermore, I believe that if I manage to change this mindset, I will also be able to see more what is positive around me instead of what needs to be “fixed”.

Changes are a very good oportunity to reflect on what we want to bring to the new environment that helps us further, and what we need to let go of that hasn’t helped us so far. So, the grass might be healthier on the other side, but if we bring along what dammaged the grass where we were at, we will soon be looking over the fence wondering if there is an even greener grass somewhere else.

This said, I acknowledge that sometimes, it takes several jumps to finally find the place where we feel we can better contribute and thrive. Luckily for me, I think I have landed in a fertile environment where there is room for learning and staff is very supportive. Now it is up to me what I do with this opportunity, to find my place and an area where I can contribute.

Digging deeper into the layers

Published on by VanessaLeave a comment

For long, I have been interested in understanding emotions. Their source and how to better deal with them. My interest comes from observing myself acting in unskillful ways when taken over by emotions such as frustration, deception, hurt and fear.

I have used Yoga teachings to try to better deal with my emotions, with some good results, but I am still hunted by them and I still lose control over my actions because of them. It is not because Yoga teachings are ineffective, it is, I think, because of limited understanding so far. Maybe my inability to go deeper than just seeing their source.

During the last few months, however, I have had two intense experiences that have led me to reflect on how I work with these emotions and try to figure out a better way through.

The first was a big fight with my husband earlier this year where we both contemplated (again) the solution to separate. After further discussion, however, we decided to keep trying. I decided then that I wouldn’t go into the same cycle again. I needed to get to the root of my frustration. Through reflection, a therapy session, and some reading, I realized that I haven’t been a good communicator during all these years. I have always thought I was, but I wasn’t. Out of fear to be rejected or perceived as a problem, I have often chosen the “suck it up” path in everyday small frustrations that unfortunately didn’t disappear but just accumulate until, for some reason, I reach my limit and explode for the smallest thing. Then, the focus is all on that negative emotion and explosive reaction, and a lot of time and energy is then spent regretting my behavior, apologizing, and forgetting what got me there in the first place.

Maybe because of the culture I grew up in, I have had an unconscious negative relationship with my own needs, and I have used what I have learned through the study of Yoga to confirm this attitude believing that if I practice “non-attachment”, I would at some point not need anything. What I think now, is that at the level of spiritual development I am, I need to set myself more realistic goals that can allow me to better walk the path with a more peaceful mind. Befriending my mind, understanding my needs, reflecting on which ones only I can meet, and which ones I can communicate in a constructive way to people around me.

The second experience I had this Spring was at work. A couple of weeks ago, I felt frustration escalating again towards the leadership in the school. This has happened quite often towards the end of the school year. The problem is that when I experience frustration, anger, sadness, and/or fear, I struggle to go deeper than that. All I want to is to get rid of the emotion, so I either judge myself for feeling as I do and suppress the emotion, or I find someone or something to blame for how I feel. Luckily for me, started listening to the audiobook Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, and I think this is going to be a game changer for me, not only to better meet the needs of the people around me but to show more compassion and understanding towards my own instead of getting lost in the overwhelm of my feelings ignoring the need behind them.

Reflecting on my marriage, my frustration often comes from feeling lonely. It can be in everyday life or when planning for a family celebration, vacation, or project. The need is to be a team. To get help. To feel that we work together towards a common goal. I have, however, been unable to communicate this because asking for help felt like nagging. Heading toward our daughter’s confirmation this Spring, my husband was much more helpful than he usually is, and I was so thankful! This made the process less tiring for me, and it felt like we were sharing the joy of celebrating our daughter instead of me running like a headless chicken all the time. I expressed my gratitude towards my husband and explained that I have been needing to feel like a team, but was unable to express it in a constructive way because I hadn’t taken the time to formulate my need in my head. Now he knows, and if he forgets, I will be able to remind him.

At work, I realized that my frustration came from a feeling of uncertainty, insecurity, and unpredictability. Because we are a small school, and we have changed principals quite a lot in the past, changes have happened in a way that sometimes has felt ad hoc and without taking into consideration the professional development of teachers. There aren’t any bad intentions from our leaders, just circumstances making things difficult for some, including me. The insecurity comes from my own self-doubt, but the uncertainty and unpredictability come from not knowing what my tasks for the next year would be and whether I would have a say on what I am asked to do or not. I realized that I have come to a point in my professional life that I don’t want to continue being subject to circumstances to that level, and then decided to change jobs. I have been offered a position where it is clear which subjects I will be teaching, with an open possibility to develop in other areas. There isn’t necessarily something “wrong” with the school I’m leaving, but there isn’t anything “wrong” with me either seeking for more predictability. That is what I need, and thus, that is what I should seek. If the school I’ve been working in for years, is unable to offer that, why keep exposing myself to the frustration described above?

As silly as it might sound to some, for me this has been an eye-opening Spring. I am not wrong about having needs, I just need to listen to them and express them in a way that helps me and does not mess up with others. In light of Yoga, I would also argue that many of these needs can be met by myself if I continue working with myself. For example, insecurity. No amount of validation from people around me will heal my insecurity if I don’t work with it inwards. Other needs like closeness when I feel lonely, help when I have too much on my plate, and a pair of ears when I need to digest an experience, are absolutely possible to communicate to my husband, friends, family, and colleagues.

Discussing my “amazing” discoveries with my husband. He asked some critical questions about my inability to express my needs better. I confessed that it often feels that they go against my wish to be flexible, kind, and reasonable. He then reminded me that any idea I have created in my head of who I am or should be is nothing more than “ego”, and it obviously stands in the way for me.