Category: Blog posts

Own your choices

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I recently listened to an interview of a former Norwegian politician on the radio. I didn’t listen to the whole interview, but what caught my attention was that she was talking about how “everybody” wants to appear successful, especially on social media. She went on to say that she is probably ten kilos over her “normal” weight, but that is what she sees as a “bonus” for being the mother of four kids.

What does it mean to be successful anyway? The quest of it most probably ends up being an endless story cause the minute we have something, we want more, or the next thing, and most probably, when we seek success, we never totally find it. The same is true for happiness, isn’t it? If we make it our pursuit to reach a constant state of happiness, we will end up quite disappointed. How about seeking equanimity of mind? Or contentment? Something that comes from the inside that helps us better deal with whatever comes from the outside?

However, I don’t see anything wrong in striving towards making a better life for oneself and those we care for. What that means for me, most probably does not match what that means for you, or the next person. For me, it means constantly working towards living my life with awareness. If I live my life with intention, I am calmer, more present, and better suited to be around my loved ones and those who are part of my everyday life.

I lately think a lot about how we often make bad decisions seeking some sort of good feeling that doesn’t bring long-lasting wellness. It takes more effort to plan a balanced meal than buying fast food, it might be less appealing to eat oatmeal for breakfast than a pain au chocolat, and it might seem more relaxing to watch a reality TV show than go for a walk after a long day at work. Choosing what is right for our physical and mental health is not seeking success or perfection, it is an investment some of us choose to make because we understand that it will pay off in the long run. Through time, I have noticed how I feel after indulging in junk food compared to how I feel after having a healthy meal. It doesn’t mean that I never eat sweets or fatty food, but honestly, I try not to indulge because the price I pay when it comes to how I feel afterward is too high. I prefer to feel that I’m fit for life than go around feeling awful and thus being less balanced in my body and mind.

We often forget how everything we do or don’t do has a direct effect on our health. Therefore, this woman’s comment irritated me. I feel that ranting about “perfectionism”, often becomes a way to make excuses for not taking care of ourselves. Yes, gaining weight during pregnancy is normal, but it is also quite normal to lose it after some time if we eat what our body needs and not what our desires dictate, especially if we have a normal physically active life.

At the end of the day, it all boils down to the same, clarity of mind. Make your choices and live the life you feel like living, but stop making excuses for the poor choices you make that hurt your physical and mental health. Rather own them, and be brutally honest with yourself. Inquiry into why you don’t want to make good choices for yourself, and if you are okay with the consequences, then keep doing what you’re doing. If you care about your health and the well-being of those who love you, maybe it is about time you choose better.

Everything we consume has an effect on our body and mind, food, words, and images, not to mention alcohol, drugs, and so on. We know that, why do we ignore it?

A good fight

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Some of us dislike conflict so much that we avoid it at all costs. Some of us seem to seek conflict and are in constant arguments with each other. For a long time, I thought I was not afraid of speaking up. I think this idea came from work where I often took on the role of “spokesperson” for my colleagues. But during the last year or so, I started observing myself and realized that I avoid difficult conversations. I might say what I think sometimes, but if my opinion is met with strong opposition, or if I notice that the other part gets distressed I often end up backing off and even regretting expressing myself.

With a lot of reflection, I have come to realize that I do this for two reasons: 1) I am afraid of being perceived as conflictive and difficult. In my personal life, my fear is also of being disliked to the point of losing the relationship with that person. 2) I am afraid of saying something that I will regret in the heat of the moment. I know I can sometimes say things that I regret afterwards.

Last Spring, I read Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, and this book changed my perspective on this. I think that sometimes, we do need to go through the discomfort of having an argument to either come to a common agreement or a crossroad where we have to decide whether we want to let go of that which we thought was so important, or move on because it is very important for us. The key is to have it very clear for ourselves what it is that we need from the other person and be ready to get the conversation beyond the conflict, beyond the discomfort. It requires a lot of patience and practice, and it also requires that the other part is willing to get through, but I think that even if the other part doesn’t know about NVC, one can try to lead them through the process.

The longer I live, the more I see how complex human interactions are, especially with our close ones. It is because we all live inside our heads, and through our perspectives. We can’t, of course, agree on everything, but we need to have very clear for ourselves what it is that we can be flexible about, and what is nonnegotiable. 

What I often observe in arguments is that, in the best-case scenario, we start a difficult conversation with a clear intention to communicate something, but as emotions start getting involved in the conversation, we lose focus of the intention of the conversation, and start throwing accusations and/or defending ourselves. In the worst-case scenario, we don’t have a clear intention of where we want the conversation to lead and the emotional mess gets even bigger.

What NVC suggests is that before we engage in a difficult conversation, we should try to identify what it is that we feel, and then what we need from the other person. It is important to avoid judging actions or words but rather express how we feel. A judgment would be something like ” you are so aggressive” or “I feel attacked”. You really need to dig into the feeling and rather use that as a point of departure. Maybe the feeling is “insecure”, or even “afraid”.

It is well-known that emotions are messengers, and they often stem from a need. We have to identify the need and communicate it as clearly as possible. This is where the most difficult part starts because the other part will receive our words, interpret them, and respond. Unfortunately, more often than not, the response can be led by emotion, and the other person might become defensive or even offensive. The key here is to try to recognize the emotion the other person is experiencing. It is a good idea to ask questions. If the other person responds by insulting or accusing, instead of engaging in a fight, we can say “I see that what I said caused a reaction in you. Do you feel angry/sad/frustrated?” Try to recognize together what that emotion is and where it comes from. What is the need? And the back and forward will start.

What I often have experienced in my personal and professional life is that I dare to start a conversation, but when the reaction is strong, I feel overwhelmed or even get a bad conscience and leave the conversation. I am too afraid to start a fight. However, lately, I feel that sometimes fights are necessary. A fight is some sort of chaos, and we know that often we need chaos to get change. Why are we so afraid of getting frustrated or even angry or sad? Aren’t these very common emotions? Why do we often strive towards showing the opposite? Why is it so difficult to deal with other people’s frustration or anger? Why don’t we give each other room for it, and then get beyond that first instinctive reaction and find out what it is that we need from each other? Imagine what a great place relationships would be if we only gave ourselves and others the time and space to feel, recognize, and express our needs.

Self-help = egocentrism?

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This weekend, I can’t remember in which context, my husband said something that I’ve been hearing quite often in the last few years, namely that all this “self-help B.S.” that has become so popular is turning us into individualists, egocentric and selfish. I must say I totally disagree. I think that one of the reasons why we see people behaving more selfishly is precisely because they have little contact with their inner selves.

I think self-help is often confused with indulging in sensory pleasures, and/or indulging in the spiral of our thoughts to escape the discomfort that arises from being part of this life. There is, however, a deeper, more challenging self-help which is to have the courage to look ourselves directly in the mirror. To recognize and accept our vulnerability, our weaknesses, and our patterns that do not help us and thus do not help others. Deeper self-help requires a lot of work and a lot of trial and error, it requires honesty and courage, and it requires compassion. Maybe more importantly, it requires good guidance rooted in a solid tradition or at least solid knowledge, maybe even research, and that we stick to it for a while.

I believe that if we all were able to see ourselves with this kind of honesty, and still give ourselves the love and compassion that we need, we would then be able to see the same in others and thus show the same love and compassion. It is when we go around in the world covering our [unconscious] discomfort with thoughts, ideas, material things, and uncontrolled sensory experiences that we forget our humanity and thus forget others’ humanity.

This said, when we do the work of getting to know ourselves better, we also learn to listen to ourselves better. We learn to recognize our boundaries, to recognize our needs, and thus might be perceived as more demanding and “difficult” than we were before. This is not being selfish or egocentric, this is being assertive, but it might be hard to digest for some of those around us who have gotten accustomed to the old patterns of our behavior.

I must confess at this point, that it is sometimes rather confusing to try to live up to the idea of non-attachment and a the same time be “kind” to myself by listening to my inner voice when it sometimes feels that it might upset others. But this is the world we live in, isn’t it? A world of opposites. A world of contradictions, and as long as we live with awareness and act with clear intentions rooted in the values we have chosen to be our guides in life, I think we are doing more good than not. Self-help for me is also that. Making clear choices of what is going to guide our lives.

So, don’t stop the self-help work you are doing, and if you have been wondering, don’t get discouraged by the selfishness narrative. Honest, consistent, disciplined, and well-guided self-help can only lead you to a better place, and that in turn will have a good influence on those around you in the long term. I sincerely believe in this.

Karma Yoga and the noise in my head

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I have written here before that the main reason why Yoga appealed to me was that instead of finding the answers to our mental struggles “out there” we are encouraged to look inside ourselves. This felt empowering and reassuring, however, little did I suspect that it would be a very hard journey. More often than not, just when I feel that I “get” something that I believe will help me modify those aspects of myself that limit me, I soon discover that my understanding is limited and needs refinement.

Since the Summer, with the changes I have been going through in my life, going back to studying the Gita and finding a great therapist, I have managed to come a little bit closer to some sort of clarity about my purpose for “working with myself” through the study and practice of Yoga. Why did I embark on this journey? What is my main priority? I have come to the conclusion that at this point in life, it is peace of mind. I am tired of the incessant “noise” my mind can make at most times.

This noise is mostly (if not always) linked to what I do and don’t do, and that is why, restudying some of the main aspects of Karma Yoga is helping me now better understand certain things that I want to share here.

Karma Yoga is the path of Yoga that is allegedly most suitable for most of us who live in the practical world because it is the path of action. Recently, during an online course I am taking about the Gita with my teacher, Prasad Ragnekar, he defined Karma Yoga like this:

“Karma Yoga [then] is a path of mental refinement for those like us who are deeply involved in
day to day, mundane living, who would like to sincerely lighten the load of our limitations”

According to the Gita, inaction is impossible for us regular human beings. Even when we are apparently inactive, our minds are all over the place. Either reviewing what we have done, regretting what we didn’t do, planning what we are going to do next, or even worse, worrying about the outcome of our next action. So, since we are bound to be active, why not be active with the “right attitude.”

I have written before about how, by putting all our attention on the intention behind our actions and letting go of the need to control the outcome, we can reduce the noise stress, and worry in our minds. It has been useful in my daily life, to a certain degree. If I say something with good intentions and it is perceived negatively, I can be at peace with myself. If I do something out of anger or frustration and the outcome is negative, I have to be honest with myself and take responsibility for it.

But there are two more concepts that suddenly made “click” in my mind a couple of weeks ago. The concepts of svabhava and svadharma.

Svadharma can be defined as one’s own unique duty/responsibility, while Svabhava is one’s own intrinsic nature, natural inclination, or aptitude based on psychological disposition (Prasad, 2023). Ideally, our svadharma should be aligned with our svabhava. This is relevant in everything we do, and it is natural to think of some of the aspects of everyday life that take a lot of our time, like for example, work. If I am a rather extrovert person who feels happier surrounded by people, I most probably wouldn’t thrive working in a place where I sit on my own most of the time isolated from others. Now, if the goal is to cultivate peace of mind, to reduce the “mental noise”, it is very important to always keep these two concepts in mind, especially when choosing a profession.

My therapist recently asked me when is it that my (over) thinking activity is reduced, and I could immediately answer when I teach Yoga asana. I always feel relaxed and centered after teaching a Yoga asana class. I think it is because I need to be fully present. I need to be aware of the energy in the room, the way my students are responding to the sequence I am offering, consider modifying some of it, and last but not least, how I lead the class, which includes which words I am using. I enjoy also the feeling of doing something that can benefit others. Not only by teaching a class, but also by maybe inspiring them to know their bodies better, respect their bodies, and take care of themselves. Interestingly enough, this doesn’t bring any anxiety.

Unfortunately, working in a school doesn’t bring this peace of mind… yet, but I am exploring ways to reach it. I am working on focusing more on what I do and how I do it than the system around me, having some values and principles that are nonnegotiable for me and sticking to them, and opening up for the possibility of being part of a discussion about them, of having to change the environment if necessary. I am also trying to make it a habit to use NVC (non-violent communication), especially in challenging situations so I can communicate my needs and understand the needs of others. In other words, to reduce self-doubt. I have been so afraid of being perceived as irrational or difficult, but I mean, there will always be someone who will disagree with me and who will think I’m “irrational”, so why do I invest so much energy in this idea? And what does it even mean?

At my new job, I teach different subjects than at my previous job. I have taught Spanish as a foreign language before, but that was a long time ago, and I have taught sewing as an elective, but never to more than ten students at a time. Now, suddenly, I’m an Arts and Crafts teacher, teaching up to 22 students at the same time. However, Spanish is my mother tongue, and although I am fluent in French, I am now noticing how “easy” it is to be spontaneous in Spanish and make the subject more “mine” since I am Mexican and can share my culture with my students. It is a bit of the svadharma and svabhava alignment.

But the “magic” happened today as I was teaching one of my classes in yr8 Arts and Crafts. We are upcycling an old men’s shirt into an apron, and we are sewing by hand. It is not a surprise that some students with poor executive skills have been struggling to get started, and it has been challenging to help them at the same time as I help those who are capable of getting started. Last week, I made myself a plan for this week’s lesson. I came into the classroom, and in small groups or in pairs, I got all the students who were falling behind started, at the same time as I helped the others when they needed further explanations. It really felt like I was in a flow. Things happened, as they always do, but I stayed calm and focused and communicated with all my students in a constructive way. An hour and a half passed, and almost everyone was now on track. I think I’ve found it! The svadharma and svabhava alignment as a school teacher. I like to “make” things, I enjoy being active, and I like also being in contact with my students in a relaxed setting. I use the challenges they meet while working on a project to help them reflect on what is important to develop in life: resilience, patience, discipline, problem problem-solving mindset, and maybe even more importantly, a growth mindset. Still, they are chatting, some of them are laughing, they can take breaks, and they go back to their work, and I don’t feel stressed.

I feel definitely less stressed now than when I was teaching more theoretical subjects, and when I was a contact teacher. I did enjoy both, but if my goal is to reduce the noise in my head, and I have the opportunity to choose, I think I know what I need to continue doing, at least for a while, and keep exploring these concepts. Also in the other areas of my life. I want to pay attention to what I do that doesn’t harmonize with my nature and see if I can stop doing it, or do it in another way, bring more of myself into it. Would that reduce even more noise in my head?

So, this post is an invitation to reflect on your own state of mind as you go about in your everyday life. What reduces the noise? Where do you feel that you flow? Can you combine your skills and your nature with what you do and how you do it? I really recommend you try!

The analogy of a fart

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What on earth does this have anything to do with Yoga?!

My youngest daughter and I sometimes have the simplest funniest yet most philosophical conversations. We were walking home from the gym when she told me about an episode where someone farted at school and all she could think of was to ease the awkwardness by pretending she didn’t hear anything. I mean, who hasn’t experienced that before? You laugh too hard, you sneeze, you push a piece of furniture and the wind you have been trying to keep in your belly sees its possibility to finally get out. We then discussed how we don’t really mind other people having this kind of “accident” because we understand, but how embarrassing it is when it happens to us! When we fart, we spend at least some minutes hoping nobody heard, and if they did hear and make a fuss about it, we then feel like changing our name and moving countries. Why is this? Why are we able to show understanding to someone else in this way, but feel like our farts are unforgivable?

It’s a weird social norm, isn’t it? We all have the same issue. We eat food that creates gas in our belly and it needs to somehow get out? Still, it is so embarrassing.

The last few weeks, I went back to studying the Bhagavad Gita with my teacher Prasad, and one of the lectures this week was about verses five and six in chapter six:

One should raise the self by the self (mind) and not allow the self to sink, for the mind
alone is the friend of the self, and the mind alone is the enemy. The mind is the friend of
those whose mind has been conquered. But for them whose mind is not conquered, the mind, like an enemy, remains hostile.

The definition of yoga my teacher is operating with during this course is “the state of detachment from our attachment to suffering.” (Gita, ch. 6 v. 20). In order to do so, we need to understand certain things, one of the most important being that our mind is limited. Through introspection, we can recognize this and thus set ourselves to the task of resolving these limitations so our mind is quieter and calmer. Why do we want to calm the mind? Ideally, to be able to see beyond our body, mind, and senses and reach to a deeper part of ourselves that in Yoga is called the Self with a capital “s”. Whether you are a Yoga practitioner or not, I would argue, that most of us want to live our lives at peace. We all want happiness, and for me, an important aspect of this happiness is having a calm mind.

Going back to the quote above, to befriend the mind we need to 1) have the courage to see ourselves in the mirror with our qualities and our shortcomings, and more importantly 2) we need to accept them, embrace them, and if possible, use them in order to move towards a calmer state of mind.

By now, I am guessing you are seeing the connection with our farts. Just as we all fart, we all have our mental limitations that lead us to act in unskilful ways. More often than not, I am willing to accept this fact from other people than myself. When someone pushes my buttons, after the initial reaction, I look into the context, and this person’s patterns, and I manage to find some compassion in myself.

Our state of mind is as it is because of a series of factors that have been less than more out of our control, its patterns have been set for years. Therefore, we do better to accept that it is as it is and find a way to help ourselves through these limitations instead of judging or shaming ourselves.

I am learning to do this through my studies in Yoga but also through therapy. I have had a hard time accepting that I am a person who experiences strong emotions, and for years, I have been trying to “calm down” these emotions, especially those I consider as negative emotions by “talking to myself”. Unfortunately, this has only led to me driving myself crazy! On one side, I am experiencing the emotion, on the other I am trying to talk myself into what I consider is more sensible, at the same time the side of myself that is experiencing the emotion is convinced she’s right. It can last for days this incessant mental back and forth. I feel angry, frustrated, or sad, and then my mind makes a big mess out of it, and I end up feeling exhausted, guilty and ashamed of myself. I don’t think this is being very friendly towards myself.

Lately, I am aiming to recognize what is at the core of the emotion (this is also inspired by Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg). Does what happened go against one of my core values, does it not fulfill a need I have? Do I need to find a constructive way to express this emotion, request something, or contribute in a way to improve the situation? Or do I need to find a way to reassure my mind and let go of the situation? In any case, what I need to stop doing is judging myself for experiencing a strong emotion because I then get lost in it.

I realize that I am a very spontaneous person when I feel grounded and safe, this makes me feel happy. Most of the time, I allow myself to be spontaneous, except when I am afraid of being judged. When I feel insecure or afraid, I can act impulsively, which often brings a lot of regret.

In either situation, I need to remind myself that, yeah, we all fart, and those that are able to see me beyond my spontaneity and sometimes unskillful impulsivity are the people that I need around me, and those who have a problem with it, can communicate it with me, I can reflect on it, apologize if needed, change something if it doesn’t go against what I believe in, and let go of people who cannot accept me as I am.

I have been too afraid of stepping on other people’s toes, on other people’s perception of myself, on not fitting in groups, places, and jobs. I have been very good at being flexible (often against what I felt was right) and adapting to situations, but this has often made me put myself and what I think is important in the background. I now know this hasn’t contributed to my peace of mind, on the contrary, it has made my inner noise louder.

It is, as my Yoga teacher keeps repeating, one of the core principles of Karma Yoga, be clear about who you are, with your strengths and shortcomings, be clear of what your values are, and act with awareness of these. Sometimes, you will manage and will be okay with your actions no matter what, sometimes, the results of your actions will not be as expected, and all you can do is get up, brush the dust, say sorry, and try again next time. Punishing yourself mentally every time you make a mistake, you fall or you step on someone else’s toes is not being a good friend of yourself.